Am I a Mr./Mrs. “Fixit”?
When I’m struggling with my thoughts (and sometimes I do), I don’t necessarily need someone to fix whatever the problem is. I don’t even need them to help me solve it. What I most often need from them is a listening ear. I need them to hear me, to let me talk it out, maybe vent a little, so that I can figure out what I need to do next.
So, if this is true, why then do I find myself sometimes wanting to fix others, when they share with me their struggles and troubles? It’s an interesting contradiction: “Don’t fix me,” I say, “But let me fix you.”
Do I always try to “fix” others? No. I usually know better. I have lots of training in helping people through crises, and I know the theory. But the practical application is where I struggle sometimes, and it’s not about them: it’s about me. My perfectionism. My codependent upbringing. My need for control that comes out of my family of origin.
What can be done?
Awareness is the Key
I have finally accepted that I am not perfect, and that perfectionism is not the way to enlightenment. I have faults, like we all do, and those get in the way of relationships sometimes. One of these is the tendency to want to fix others, but I’ve learned that, as long as I’m aware of it, I can work with it, and avoid the pitfalls associated therewith.
The cue for me, when I find myself wanting to “fix” someone, is that I become a bit anxious. As another describes his or her problem to me, when I’m in “fixit” mode, I begin to develop a low-level anxiety, somewhere in the pit of my stomach. I find my thoughts begin to turn to focusing on solutions, rather than listening. And this is where I need to stop, to put thinking on hold, and then to practice Active Listening.
Active Listening Unlocks the Door
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, [and] slow to speak…” James 1:19, NIV. This is about the best description of what active listening looks like. My focus needs to be on you, on listening, hearing, taking in what you say. When I’m sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for an opportunity to interject my thoughts, my ideas, my supposed “wisdom,” I’m taking away from your chance to teach yourself what you need to learn to move beyond whatever your problem/issue/block/struggle is.
Instead, rather than listening only for an opportunity to interject, I need to just listen. Full stop. Maybe, periodically, I need to reflect/mirror back to you what you’ve said so that you can hear it again. Maybe you’ve said something profound and you might have missed its impact: maybe then I can share it back to you. I can also mirror back to you what I’m hearing so that both you and I can be sure I’m hearing what you’re saying.
But it isn’t my job to fix you. And thank God for that! I haven’t even yet figured out how to fix me!!! What a relief…phew!!!
Maybe You Need Someone to Just Listen
I can help.
My name is Marc Spinoza, and I am an escort/Sacred Intimate in the Greater Toronto Area. I offer Experiential Intimacy Coaching and escort services from my home base in Mississauga. I also do outcalls in the GTA and beyond. The platform I work off is erotic massage, to build connection and intimacy with those I work with.
Maybe you find yourself just needing an ear to listen?!? I’d love to help. A session with me, focusing on presence through breathwork and erotic touch might just be what you’re looking for. I offer a relaxing, sensual environment designed to give you the space and freedom to share what’s on your mind, while receiving caring touch at the same time.
If you think you might like to learn more about what I do and how I do it, I invite you to reach out to me at www.marcspinozamassage.com/contact, or at firstname.lastname@example.org. Alternately you can call/text me at 647-703-9515. I’d love to hear from you!