Having friends in the “Swinging Lifestyle,” and periodically attending Swinger’s events myself, I often come in to contact with people who are in “Open” or “Polyamorous” relationships. I am a single male, and don’t have a partner, but if I were to have one, the relationship would for sure be “Poly.” So, I get it. I am not monogamous, and I think I’ve always known that.
It was nice to read some research recently that suggests that “Monogamy” vs. “Polygamy” is the same as “Gay” vs. “Straight.” Namely, neither is a choice: it’s an orientation. I personally identify with that. Whereas I don’t want to “screw around” and have as many partners as possible, I know myself well enough now. I don’t do well in monogamous relationships.
I know, I know, many of you are already getting your backs up. “He’s full of it,” you’re saying. “He just wants to mess around!” Still others are saying the age-old “You men don’t get it! We women bond – we were meant to be in monogamous relationships!”
Really? Not so fast. I’d refer you to Wednesday Martin’s excellent book “Untrue,” if you’d like a different perspective on that. Be ready to be presented with a different paradigm backed up by plenty of good research. You may be surprised by what you read.
I honestly believe that Polyamory and Monogamy are in fact orientations.
Which are you?
I have worked with many couples who claim to be “Poly,” and yet it, upon engaging with them, it quickly becomes apparent that only one of the two are committed to that lifestyle.
Too often I see one trying to “be Poly,” and they aren’t: they just aren’t. They are monogamous and were meant to be monogamous. So, it’s a problem when they try to be something they aren’t.
It’s equally a problem, however, when a truly Poly person is shamed by society for being Poly. Accusations like the one above, namely that they just want to play around, are often thrown at Poly persons, and that isn’t what they’re about at all.
They’re just Poly. That’s it. They were born that way. They were born to celebrate intimacy – physical and emotional – with more than one partner. The problem here becomes that a society insisting on monogamy holds them back from reaching their true potential. It does not allow them to be who they really are.
No different than we once did – and not too long ago – with gay people. And “Trans” people. And everyone else who is “different” than us. Matter of fact, many of us still do it today. Prejudice is alive-and-well and is often leveled at Poly people as much as anyone else.
What to Do?
So, you find yourself in a relationship with someone, and one of you is Poly while the other is monogamous. Where to go from here?
If you’re monogamous, you can’t try to have multiple partners to suit the other person. It won’t work, you won’t like it, and you’ll be jealous and resentful of your partner.
If you’re Poly, you can’t try to limit yourself to a monogamous lifestyle. It won’t work. You’ll feel constrained and held back.
If two people connect, enter a relationship, and eventually one discovers they are gay, then what’s the best way to handle it? Should they stay together as friends, while they each find other partners? Do they separate? What to do?
The same dilemma happens in a relationship where one is oriented poly, and the other is oriented monogamous. Honestly, I can’t personally see much of a resolution other than separation. You’ll never hear me be so blunt like that, but what else can you do? Neither partner, because of their orientation, will be able to accept the lifestyle of the other. How can it work?
Sometimes, parting ways is the best thing. It’s painful, like ripping a Band-Aid off, but eventually the pain dissipates, and the wound heals.
Who am I?
My name is Marc Spinoza, and I am an escort/Sacred Intimate in the Greater Toronto Area. I offer Experiential Intimacy Coaching and escort services from my home base in Mississauga. I also do outcalls in the GTA and beyond. The platform I work off is erotic massage, to build connection and intimacy with those I work with.
If you’d like to explore more your orientation (Polyamorous vs. Monogamous), I’d love to help. Perhaps you’ve been questioning it, and a session with me might help give you the perspective you’re looking for.
If you think you might like to learn more about what I do and how I do it, I invite you to reach out to me at www.marcspinozamassage.com/contact, or at firstname.lastname@example.org. Alternately you can call/text me at 647-703-9515. I’d love to hear from you!